On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
