i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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