Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
