Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
