I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
