I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
