well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
