Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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