I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize