Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
