i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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