I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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