Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
