I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
