Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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