once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize