So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
