he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
