i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
