Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
