I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
