You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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