This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
