guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
