I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
They are going to name an STD after you.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
