I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize