Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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