I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
