Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
