yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
