I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
