i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
