Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
