I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
