I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
