update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
