I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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