everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
well you can't waste a boner
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
