Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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