Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
