I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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