I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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