I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
false alarm, still single
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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