i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Houston, we have a squirter
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
