I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
