My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
