theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
