mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
