false alarm. still invincible.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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