The maid of honor just puked.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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