he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
