Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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