Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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