And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
