Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
