i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
