i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
