Betty ford says i'm here all night
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
No stitches, just platelets and will power
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
