Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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