Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
