we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
don't judge my taste in strippers
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize