after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
