ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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