Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
