I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
