you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
